A love letter to the mothers

Inspired by Valentines day, and the wonderful Sara Wickham’s love letter to midwifery students, here’s my own love letter… to all the wonderful mothers I get to work with. 

Motherhood can feel such a huge shock. The transition begins in pregnancy and is never really complete…yet it feels that in a moment, everything changes. Over the coming days, weeks, months, things continue to shift and change even more. You thought you were prepared… but you weren’t really. Life becomes unrecognisable. You might yourself feel unrecognisable compared with the person you were ‘before’. The changes are growth and a natural part of you moving in to this new role, this new phase of life… but that doesn’t mean they are easy to navigate. If it was possible to completely prepare for motherhood, you wouldn’t get to feel the power of your complete transformation. 

It’s OK to feel however you feel about the shift. All your emotions are valid. 

You are not alone. 

I’ve witnessed so many people traverse from their normality to their new normality now, through pregnancy to post natal yoga and through my doula support, I can promise you are not alone. 

Some things I have learnt from my own journey and seen repeated time and again with the mothers I have worked with along my way follow…

Give yourself space and grace in pregnancy. See the opportunities it presents.

Some people sail through pregnancy and love every minute. Others (myself included) find almost every day a struggle. Many more will be somewhere in the middle – good days and less good days, peaks and troughs. 

Pregnancy is the beginning of the separation. A gradual move away from life as it was in to how it will be. 

It provides the perfect opportunity to get to bring your awareness IN and lay the groundwork for future parenting. 

Let yourself spend some time, just you and your baby. Give yourself permission to change and to let things shift. Practice less resistance, more acceptance. Learn to rest – it might be the first time in life you’ve really done that! 

Especially, welcome the opportunity to say NO. Notice how NO makes you feel. Sit with it and move through it. NO has so many uses in birth and with a new baby to tend to. Get used to it in your mouth now.

If you learn these things through pregnancy, it can ease the feeling of enormity on the other side. If you don’t, birth or parenting will throw them up anyway! You will find the lessons you need when the time is right for you. 

Breathe.

The breath is your anchor, wherever you are on the journey right now. Wherever it takes you in future, it’ll be there with you. It’s the quickest way to return to your centre. To give yourself that space and grace. 

Practice the breathing exercises you learn in pregnancy and postnatal yoga classes as often as you can – the more you practice, the easier they are to draw upon when you really need them. 

Know that you are the expert. 

No one else can feel your baby inside your body. No one can be in your body and feel your birth unfold. No one has the deep, enduring energetic connection to your child that you do…even many years down the line as they walk Earthside. 

Advice, opinions, suggestions…can all feel useful in the challenging moments and can indeed sometimes give you the flash of inspiration you need to move on. But ultimately you are the only one who knows what is ‘best’. And best looks different for everyone. What is right for one baby and mother is not necessarily right for another.

There are no perfect parents, no magic solutions, no miracle ‘cures’. Just doing what works for you and your baby and your unique family set up – that’s where the perfection is. 

Find a community

Humans, and women in particular, need connection. We need to be heard. We need our challenges shared and our successes celebrated. 

People often find some of their ‘old’ friends don’t get them any more, and that their interests have changed. Though this can bring grief, it is OK for relationships to shift and change too. It doesn’t lessen their importance previously. The deepest connections will survive your transformation to Mother. 

A new group of people in the same or similar phase of life can provide the outlet and support you need now. People who get what it is like to be up all night. People who share your worries and can reassure you they feel the same…and not dismiss them or ‘solve’ them. People who let you feel all the less pretty parts of Motherhood and accept you still – the rage, the despair, the joy, the boredom. 

This community can be small and mighty. There may be strength in numbers. You may meet in pregnancy or post natal baby groups. Every time I see mothers open themselves up and share their vulnerability, it is met with such comradery. We can buoy each other up.  Our welcome circles often become the most treasured part of your pregnancy yoga practice. 

Find the balance – self care matters too. 

In the early days, self care can be as simple as getting your daily shower in. Don’t listen to the noise on social media that you need to be doing more – as you navigate your new normal and get to know your baby, it is entirely acceptable to just get your basic needs met. Being fed, being hydrated, being safe and clean ARE enough. Don’t be made to feel bad that this is not good enough. You are always good enough. 

As you gradually expand in to your new persona, your capacity for self care will expand too. Perhaps to return to exercise when the time is right or to have a night out with friends again. Maybe you can take a day out of parenting and treat yourself to a spa… there is no rush. This is largely why I suggest 6-8 weeks as a good time to join post natal yoga – just enjoy getting to know your baby in the earliest weeks. 

It’s OK if you don’t want to leave your baby and it is OK to put them first. And it’s also OK to need some space and to do the things you need to get through too. It’s not one or the other as many people want you to believe. It’s a balance. And you’ll perfect that balance over time. 

Start with the simple stuff and the bigger stuff will come. 

You will always be the Mother that your child needs. You will meet challenges and you will surmount them. You’ll know more happiness and more fear and more frustration that you have ever know – and you will hold it and move through it and remain the parent your child needs. 

You are not alone in this. And you are an endless inspiration to me. 

Love, Kim